i feel bad for Mistress. i have been off the past few days. She is worried i am second guessing about moving out with Her. That is so far from the truth! She is the reason i get up in the morning. She is my air. i love Her dearly.
my problem? i have been trying to figure that out myself. i think i have finally figured it out. For some reason i have been thinking of my father. Not my daddy. my father.
Not a pity-party. Just facts. Ok? :)
i have been in 14 different school. 11 from Kindergarten and fourth grade. No. i was not a military brat. my father could/would not hold down a job. During this time, my parents kept splitting and then getting back together. i moved from Michigan to North Carolina so many times.
The first time i remember begging my mom to leave him, i was 5. How sad to think even that did not work on my mother. What else could i have done? i know it is not my fault, but sometimes i feel like it is.
Why beg her to leave him? He was, still is, and probably always will be very abusive. Physically, emotionally, sexually. Even knowing most of that, she still won't leave. i have not lived with him since i was 14. i am still dealing with all the pain inside. i don't think he sexually abuses my brothers, at least i hope not. That would kill me.
i want to be there to protect them, and i know i can't. i need to protect myself now. How do i do that? How do i let myself be happy? It is not fair that i am so happy with Mistress when i know that my brothers have no chance. The oldest of them is 22. He has not graduated high school, has no job, and still lives with our parents. Why me? Why can he not be happy? Life just does not seem fair.
How does one find the ability to allow themselves to be happy? i hope Mistress can help me get there. That is the only thing i truly want. To be happy with Mistress. Forever.
*hugs* I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I can relate...My father is very similar; I cut off all contact with him when I turned 18, and my parents split when I was 9 or 10...
ReplyDeleteBut I still had to deal with, and AM still dealing with, all the things he put me through, all the pain and hurt, and worry for my younger sister.
Learning to be happy is a process; for me, it took a lot of communicating with my Master, slowly working out my issues, etc. And I had to learn that I wasn't in control of my younger sister (who still sees him)'s destiny. It's not your fault if your brothers aren't happy; it's nothing you can change. I know it's hard, but you can't stress yourself out over things you can't control.
I hope things get better. I'm sure, when you move in with your Mistress and have more time to work through these things, you'll learn how to be happy.
~Bre