How does one deal with emotional pain? How does one get past a hurt from people who are not supposed to hurt you? It is amazing, but being a sub now is actually helping me. Mistress is being very kind and understanding and gentle. Knowing She is there for me and wants to do all She can is comforting. We can work through this, Together.
my dear reader, what do you do when you are hurting inside and can not show it for one reason or another? i try to do things, but my mind still seems to wander back to why i am hurting in the first place.
Don't worry. i will be fine. Difficult time. But i will get past it.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
OMG!!!
i miss Mistress SO MUCH!!! i have been reading up and researching for my book. all that research into BDSM has made me a little, shall we say, horny! i decided to go and have a bath tonight. With wine, a toy, and my computer. i will let you, my dear reader, fill in the blanks. ;) Let me just say, i am going to bed happy. Not as happy as if Mistress were here, but still. :D
i am starting to realize i want to experiment with so many things. i know i am typing this because my inhibitions are a little down. i hope that Mistress reads this and holds me to it. i really do want a lot of things that i would never ask for or tell Her.
i am curious about having a girl play with me. i don't necessarily think of myself as bisexual or lesbian, just very, very, VERY curious. Not sure how far i would want to go with her, but would definatly want Mistress there. The one thing i know i want to do is make out with another girl. i REALLY hope You approve Mistress.
i want Mistress to get me very horny throughout the day, give me a glass or two of wine (She knows the significance of that!), and then take me to the dungeon. i want her to have fun with me. i want Her to tape it. Wow. i can not believe i just said that.
i want Her to Dominate me. i mean i want to be conquered by Her. i want Her to show me who is truely the Boss.
i want Mistress to pick out a pair of nipple clamps that are not obvious under my work clothes. i want Mistress to call me the morning She wants me to wear them and tell me just that. i will then be expected to periodically throughout the day send Mistress pictures to prove to Her i am doing as She told me. i will also send Her text to let Her know how i feel and how turned on i am throughout the day.
Maybe i should stop now. The wine is starting to burn off and i might delete some of the stuff i just typed. i really want Mistress to read this stuff. Please Mistress. Know i love you. i hope i have not crossed any lines. You mean the world to me. Please know what You mean to me. i have never felt this way. i am so thankful You have shown me this side of me and how i can be this happy. i can not wait to move in with You and take care of You. You are worthy of all the love and affection that the world can give you. Thank You so much for choosing me.
Sorry to everyone else for the gushing. i can not help it when it comes to Mistress! She is the perfect Domme for me! Have i told You i love You? Because i do!!! :D
i am starting to realize i want to experiment with so many things. i know i am typing this because my inhibitions are a little down. i hope that Mistress reads this and holds me to it. i really do want a lot of things that i would never ask for or tell Her.
i am curious about having a girl play with me. i don't necessarily think of myself as bisexual or lesbian, just very, very, VERY curious. Not sure how far i would want to go with her, but would definatly want Mistress there. The one thing i know i want to do is make out with another girl. i REALLY hope You approve Mistress.
i want Mistress to get me very horny throughout the day, give me a glass or two of wine (She knows the significance of that!), and then take me to the dungeon. i want her to have fun with me. i want Her to tape it. Wow. i can not believe i just said that.
i want Her to Dominate me. i mean i want to be conquered by Her. i want Her to show me who is truely the Boss.
i want Mistress to pick out a pair of nipple clamps that are not obvious under my work clothes. i want Mistress to call me the morning She wants me to wear them and tell me just that. i will then be expected to periodically throughout the day send Mistress pictures to prove to Her i am doing as She told me. i will also send Her text to let Her know how i feel and how turned on i am throughout the day.
Maybe i should stop now. The wine is starting to burn off and i might delete some of the stuff i just typed. i really want Mistress to read this stuff. Please Mistress. Know i love you. i hope i have not crossed any lines. You mean the world to me. Please know what You mean to me. i have never felt this way. i am so thankful You have shown me this side of me and how i can be this happy. i can not wait to move in with You and take care of You. You are worthy of all the love and affection that the world can give you. Thank You so much for choosing me.
Sorry to everyone else for the gushing. i can not help it when it comes to Mistress! She is the perfect Domme for me! Have i told You i love You? Because i do!!! :D
Friday, January 28, 2011
Rested
Wow. What a difference a good night's sleep makes!!! Even with my friend still bothering me i am super happy after my dream last night. It was so realistic i even woke up feeling a little sore. Unfortunatly, that feeling went away too fast.
In my dream, Mistress and i were down in a dungeon. i was in a beautiful (if i do say so myself) thong, pink lacy and really pretty. Mistress was in my favorite corset of Hers. She slowly took me over to a chair and had me sit down backwards in it. She tied my hands together with a scarf of what felt like silk. (i told you it felt realistic!) She started out slow and sensual with a flogger made out of something like suede. It was a HUGE turn on! After a few minutes She switched to something harder and hit me a little harder. She kept switching floggers and upping the force. Eventually She grabbed me by my hair and led me to the St. Andrews. She tied me quite tight, but i did not mind one bit! She got out the scariest flogger and paddle and slowly started going to town. Because She had taken Her time, the harder She hit me, the harder i wanted Her to hit me. When She finished we were both tired and happy. She carried/helped me up to bed where we cuddled and kissed and were just SO HAPPY!!!
i then,unfortunatly, woke up. i can NOT stop smiling. The happy feeling is just rushing through me. i can only imagine how i will feel when Mistress makes this dream a reality!
In my dream, Mistress and i were down in a dungeon. i was in a beautiful (if i do say so myself) thong, pink lacy and really pretty. Mistress was in my favorite corset of Hers. She slowly took me over to a chair and had me sit down backwards in it. She tied my hands together with a scarf of what felt like silk. (i told you it felt realistic!) She started out slow and sensual with a flogger made out of something like suede. It was a HUGE turn on! After a few minutes She switched to something harder and hit me a little harder. She kept switching floggers and upping the force. Eventually She grabbed me by my hair and led me to the St. Andrews. She tied me quite tight, but i did not mind one bit! She got out the scariest flogger and paddle and slowly started going to town. Because She had taken Her time, the harder She hit me, the harder i wanted Her to hit me. When She finished we were both tired and happy. She carried/helped me up to bed where we cuddled and kissed and were just SO HAPPY!!!
i then,unfortunatly, woke up. i can NOT stop smiling. The happy feeling is just rushing through me. i can only imagine how i will feel when Mistress makes this dream a reality!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Crying
So. One of my friends found out that Mistress is a T-Girl. Not definitively, and she does not know the term (i come from a very conservative Christian background, most of my friends right now are). She is trying to talk me into dropping Mistress. my friend does not even know about my lifestyle decision even! After my conversation with her, which i have to say i did lie to her, i am crying my eyes out. If i do not look like i have "dropped" Mistress to everyone she very well could tell all my other friends. i still live around many of them. To put it quite simply, my life will become a LIVING HELL!!! What do i do? i want to move out with Mistress but that is not fesible right now. i am so upset i can not even put into words what i am feeling. What to say? What to do? i am hurting so bad.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
How? Part 2
How does one feel owned when they live so far away from the object of their affection, their Mistress? i need that feeling. i need it so bad i feel quite sad tonight.
(On another note, who knew i could feel comfortable enough to write down my actual feelings? It is so healing to me. i am so glad Mistress suggested this.)
(On another note, who knew i could feel comfortable enough to write down my actual feelings? It is so healing to me. i am so glad Mistress suggested this.)
How?
i have been going through something the last week or so. Not sure what i should do. i feel so unfullfilled. i NEED to serve Mistress. Not being able to is just killing me. When She gave me a couple of writing tasks. i felt so happy while i was doing them and after i finished. But, i really need to take care of Her. The thought of being there welcoming Her home from class with dinner on the table and the whole house clean sound amazing, fantastic, wonderful, and happy.
How do i deal with the emotions of not being able to serve Mistress? i never thought i would become this way. i have always been the type of person who says, "i do not need anyone. i can take care of myself. i am woman. Hear me roar." Now? i am still a strong woman, but the thing i desire most is to serve the One i love with every fiber of my being.
i think i need to talk to Mistress about doing more tasks for Her. i hope She agrees that that would be a good option.
Who would have thought i would become this type of person? :) i am so happy now that Mistress has opened my eyes to what i have always been underneath all the "i do not need anyone" facade. i just can not get over how lucky i am to have found the One my heart has ached for. How did i become so mushy? Good thing Mistress does not mind! He-he :D
How do i deal with the emotions of not being able to serve Mistress? i never thought i would become this way. i have always been the type of person who says, "i do not need anyone. i can take care of myself. i am woman. Hear me roar." Now? i am still a strong woman, but the thing i desire most is to serve the One i love with every fiber of my being.
i think i need to talk to Mistress about doing more tasks for Her. i hope She agrees that that would be a good option.
Who would have thought i would become this type of person? :) i am so happy now that Mistress has opened my eyes to what i have always been underneath all the "i do not need anyone" facade. i just can not get over how lucky i am to have found the One my heart has ached for. How did i become so mushy? Good thing Mistress does not mind! He-he :D
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wishes
Yes. i know. If wishes were horses beggers would ride. Not talking about 'pie in the sky' wishes. Talking about wishes for the next time Mistress and i are together! :)
Where to start? Hmmm. How about the one thing i wanna try so bad it almost hurts? Wax play. Yes. i know how it feels on my skin. i have been playing with wax since i was a little girl (BDSM tendencies anyone?). i LOVE how it is so hot on my skin and then cools and hardens. And to mix that with making Mistress happy? HEAVEN!!! Maybe She can even make my back a canvas for a work of art! :)
i know Mistress wanted to try Electostimulation. i am seriously nervous about this one. Really not sure why though. i trust Mistress with my life. Why would this be any different? Maybe it is not. Huh. i think i just talked myself out of being nervous. Go me! :) But seriously, i really do want to try this. Mistress seems very keen on doing it to me, so it must be fun.
i do want to do more on the St. Andrews Cross too. Not really sure what happened last time, but i will be better. i think i had negative thoughts running through my head last time. Now they are (mostly) all good ones! :) i hope Mistress will be proud of me. That is my ultimate goal.
Mistress and i both want me to experience subspace. Not sure what will take me there, but i know i will enjoy the ride! (pun intended everyone)
Well. What do you think? Enough for one trip? Now Mistress and i just need to plan the next time i can go out and see Her. Hope it is not too far away. These wishes keep growing day by day. And it has not even been a week since i last saw Her. Oh dear. What will happen if it is too far away? Hmm. Might just have to move out there. :D
Where to start? Hmmm. How about the one thing i wanna try so bad it almost hurts? Wax play. Yes. i know how it feels on my skin. i have been playing with wax since i was a little girl (BDSM tendencies anyone?). i LOVE how it is so hot on my skin and then cools and hardens. And to mix that with making Mistress happy? HEAVEN!!! Maybe She can even make my back a canvas for a work of art! :)
i know Mistress wanted to try Electostimulation. i am seriously nervous about this one. Really not sure why though. i trust Mistress with my life. Why would this be any different? Maybe it is not. Huh. i think i just talked myself out of being nervous. Go me! :) But seriously, i really do want to try this. Mistress seems very keen on doing it to me, so it must be fun.
i do want to do more on the St. Andrews Cross too. Not really sure what happened last time, but i will be better. i think i had negative thoughts running through my head last time. Now they are (mostly) all good ones! :) i hope Mistress will be proud of me. That is my ultimate goal.
Mistress and i both want me to experience subspace. Not sure what will take me there, but i know i will enjoy the ride! (pun intended everyone)
Well. What do you think? Enough for one trip? Now Mistress and i just need to plan the next time i can go out and see Her. Hope it is not too far away. These wishes keep growing day by day. And it has not even been a week since i last saw Her. Oh dear. What will happen if it is too far away? Hmm. Might just have to move out there. :D
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Happiness
Today i was trying to get in touch with my submissive side. Was having a hard time time for some weird reason. i asked Mistress to give me a task. She generously agreed to. It was simple. Look up and send to Her the origins of BDSM. FUN!!!
Did you know that the first recorded consentual flogging happened in the 9th century BC in a temple to Artemis in Sparta? (i find that funny because she was a virgin goddess!) i actually learned a lot! Now i kinda wanna keep studying and maybe write something. How cool would that be?!
Something as simple as following through on something (even though i asked for it) has positiviely MADE MY DAY!!!
To add to that, Mistress informed me that She protected me from someone today (long story). Knowing She loves me that much just makes me feel like i am walking on a cloud. i think today has proven to me that i am EXACTLY where i need to be. Mistress is helping me be the person i have always needed to be. Thank You Ma'am! i love You!!!
If you can experience this kind of happiness, then i am happy for you!
Did you know that the first recorded consentual flogging happened in the 9th century BC in a temple to Artemis in Sparta? (i find that funny because she was a virgin goddess!) i actually learned a lot! Now i kinda wanna keep studying and maybe write something. How cool would that be?!
Something as simple as following through on something (even though i asked for it) has positiviely MADE MY DAY!!!
To add to that, Mistress informed me that She protected me from someone today (long story). Knowing She loves me that much just makes me feel like i am walking on a cloud. i think today has proven to me that i am EXACTLY where i need to be. Mistress is helping me be the person i have always needed to be. Thank You Ma'am! i love You!!!
If you can experience this kind of happiness, then i am happy for you!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Frustrated
How many of my friends and family know about me being in this lifestyle? One. 1. Count them . . . Uno. And even she does not know the extent i am in it. i am toying with the fact that i want to tell her more. Why you ask? i have friends on fetlife who support me. Why does she need to know too? She is my best friend. She loves me no matter what. It is one of the most frustrating things not being able to tell her about it.
i still have not totally decided what i am going to tell her. i know she will love me anyways. i just do not want to worry her. She does not understand Mistress like i do. She does not know that i now crave Mistress to show me my place. How do you explain to people out in the vanilla world the desires and fulfillment of those desires?
i know i can explain the service part of my submissivness. That is the easy part. The joy i have knowing i have made Mistress's life easier just by getting her a glass of water, fixing supper, cleaning the house. i have never felt more at home and at peace than when i am serving Mistress. That is one of many reasons why i know this relationship can work. We seem to complete each other. Mistress is so kind and loving to me i just wanna burst from happiness each time she looks at me. The gratefullness in her speech after i have been a good little girl is intoxicating.
Mistress's is the only opinion that matters anymore. It is weird to realize that. So, why you ask, do other's opinions hurt? Remember "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? Total vicious lies we tell our children. i know. Hurtful words hurt. But, i choose to listen to Mistress. She is my world now. i love Her. If She says i will be fine, i know i can be . . . with Her help.
Maybe i am not frustrated anymore :)
i still have not totally decided what i am going to tell her. i know she will love me anyways. i just do not want to worry her. She does not understand Mistress like i do. She does not know that i now crave Mistress to show me my place. How do you explain to people out in the vanilla world the desires and fulfillment of those desires?
i know i can explain the service part of my submissivness. That is the easy part. The joy i have knowing i have made Mistress's life easier just by getting her a glass of water, fixing supper, cleaning the house. i have never felt more at home and at peace than when i am serving Mistress. That is one of many reasons why i know this relationship can work. We seem to complete each other. Mistress is so kind and loving to me i just wanna burst from happiness each time she looks at me. The gratefullness in her speech after i have been a good little girl is intoxicating.
Mistress's is the only opinion that matters anymore. It is weird to realize that. So, why you ask, do other's opinions hurt? Remember "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? Total vicious lies we tell our children. i know. Hurtful words hurt. But, i choose to listen to Mistress. She is my world now. i love Her. If She says i will be fine, i know i can be . . . with Her help.
Maybe i am not frustrated anymore :)
Monday, January 17, 2011
Desires
How does one take care of desires when one's Mistress is so far away?
i desire to be taken into a dungeon by Mistress and shown my place. This is the first time i have ever felt this way. Not sure where it is coming from. It is like a feeling of need and not want. It is not some random feeling either. i want it to come from Mistress.
i desire to be with Mistress taking care of Her. It hurts so bad to not be there with Her. i need Her.
i hope both these desires can be fullfilled soon.
i desire to be taken into a dungeon by Mistress and shown my place. This is the first time i have ever felt this way. Not sure where it is coming from. It is like a feeling of need and not want. It is not some random feeling either. i want it to come from Mistress.
i desire to be with Mistress taking care of Her. It hurts so bad to not be there with Her. i need Her.
i hope both these desires can be fullfilled soon.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
WOW!!!
So. i just got back from a wonderful week with Mistress. i have learned that i NEED to go 24/7 with Her. To serve Her is the air i breathe, the water i drink. i have never felt so complete as when i got to do things for Her. it was just amazing!!!
We went shopping, to a few museums, and just hung out. Totally what i needed. It seemed to be what She needed too. Coming home was so hard. i hardly slept last night because She was not there to hold. i am hoping i do not have to wait too long to move out with Mistress and serve Her everyday. :)
Did we get to do many scenes? No. i think it is because the one we did do, i freaked out too much. i am so sorry Mistress. i am still trying to figure out what happened to me. i hope You can help me figure out what happened and we can fix it. i love You Maam!!! Thank You for an amazing week!!!
We went shopping, to a few museums, and just hung out. Totally what i needed. It seemed to be what She needed too. Coming home was so hard. i hardly slept last night because She was not there to hold. i am hoping i do not have to wait too long to move out with Mistress and serve Her everyday. :)
Did we get to do many scenes? No. i think it is because the one we did do, i freaked out too much. i am so sorry Mistress. i am still trying to figure out what happened to me. i hope You can help me figure out what happened and we can fix it. i love You Maam!!! Thank You for an amazing week!!!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Trying
i am so excited! i am going out to see Mistress in less than 48 hours. One problem. i am so nervous. i do not want to embaress Her in front of Her friends. i am going to try my hardest. She says She will help me. i believe Her. i just hope i do not need Her help. This is my first time to actually put my learning into action. i am very excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. Who knew you could feel so many emotions at the same time?!
i will update what happens this coming week. Hopefully it will be ALL good!!! :)
i will update what happens this coming week. Hopefully it will be ALL good!!! :)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Discovery
i have discovered something about myself. Let me start this by stating that i suffer with recurrent depression. i have suffered with this since around junior high. So long enough to know some of my triggers.
Now on to my discovery. Last night i was a little down, which should have clued me in but i was tired. When Mistress called, i simply answered with "Hey!" mostly because i was already down. Mistress, thankfully, only corected me to say say at least "Hey Maam." Just the simple act of correcting me sent me deep down into depression. This morning i am fighting it with all i have. i hope to beat it before i speak to Mistress later.
i now know that i need to avoid correction and be the best sub/slave i can be. Not only to make Mistress happy and serve Her, but also to keep my sanity.
i am a submission through and through. If i fail, i feel it internally more than most people. i want to serve Mistress with all i have and all i am. i love Her with my whole soul. i am Hers. i will make Her proud. That is my New Year's Resolution. It is for both of us.
Now on to my discovery. Last night i was a little down, which should have clued me in but i was tired. When Mistress called, i simply answered with "Hey!" mostly because i was already down. Mistress, thankfully, only corected me to say say at least "Hey Maam." Just the simple act of correcting me sent me deep down into depression. This morning i am fighting it with all i have. i hope to beat it before i speak to Mistress later.
i now know that i need to avoid correction and be the best sub/slave i can be. Not only to make Mistress happy and serve Her, but also to keep my sanity.
i am a submission through and through. If i fail, i feel it internally more than most people. i want to serve Mistress with all i have and all i am. i love Her with my whole soul. i am Hers. i will make Her proud. That is my New Year's Resolution. It is for both of us.
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