How does one deal with emotional pain? How does one get past a hurt from people who are not supposed to hurt you? It is amazing, but being a sub now is actually helping me. Mistress is being very kind and understanding and gentle. Knowing She is there for me and wants to do all She can is comforting. We can work through this, Together.
my dear reader, what do you do when you are hurting inside and can not show it for one reason or another? i try to do things, but my mind still seems to wander back to why i am hurting in the first place.
Don't worry. i will be fine. Difficult time. But i will get past it.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
OMG!!!
i miss Mistress SO MUCH!!! i have been reading up and researching for my book. all that research into BDSM has made me a little, shall we say, horny! i decided to go and have a bath tonight. With wine, a toy, and my computer. i will let you, my dear reader, fill in the blanks. ;) Let me just say, i am going to bed happy. Not as happy as if Mistress were here, but still. :D
i am starting to realize i want to experiment with so many things. i know i am typing this because my inhibitions are a little down. i hope that Mistress reads this and holds me to it. i really do want a lot of things that i would never ask for or tell Her.
i am curious about having a girl play with me. i don't necessarily think of myself as bisexual or lesbian, just very, very, VERY curious. Not sure how far i would want to go with her, but would definatly want Mistress there. The one thing i know i want to do is make out with another girl. i REALLY hope You approve Mistress.
i want Mistress to get me very horny throughout the day, give me a glass or two of wine (She knows the significance of that!), and then take me to the dungeon. i want her to have fun with me. i want Her to tape it. Wow. i can not believe i just said that.
i want Her to Dominate me. i mean i want to be conquered by Her. i want Her to show me who is truely the Boss.
i want Mistress to pick out a pair of nipple clamps that are not obvious under my work clothes. i want Mistress to call me the morning She wants me to wear them and tell me just that. i will then be expected to periodically throughout the day send Mistress pictures to prove to Her i am doing as She told me. i will also send Her text to let Her know how i feel and how turned on i am throughout the day.
Maybe i should stop now. The wine is starting to burn off and i might delete some of the stuff i just typed. i really want Mistress to read this stuff. Please Mistress. Know i love you. i hope i have not crossed any lines. You mean the world to me. Please know what You mean to me. i have never felt this way. i am so thankful You have shown me this side of me and how i can be this happy. i can not wait to move in with You and take care of You. You are worthy of all the love and affection that the world can give you. Thank You so much for choosing me.
Sorry to everyone else for the gushing. i can not help it when it comes to Mistress! She is the perfect Domme for me! Have i told You i love You? Because i do!!! :D
i am starting to realize i want to experiment with so many things. i know i am typing this because my inhibitions are a little down. i hope that Mistress reads this and holds me to it. i really do want a lot of things that i would never ask for or tell Her.
i am curious about having a girl play with me. i don't necessarily think of myself as bisexual or lesbian, just very, very, VERY curious. Not sure how far i would want to go with her, but would definatly want Mistress there. The one thing i know i want to do is make out with another girl. i REALLY hope You approve Mistress.
i want Mistress to get me very horny throughout the day, give me a glass or two of wine (She knows the significance of that!), and then take me to the dungeon. i want her to have fun with me. i want Her to tape it. Wow. i can not believe i just said that.
i want Her to Dominate me. i mean i want to be conquered by Her. i want Her to show me who is truely the Boss.
i want Mistress to pick out a pair of nipple clamps that are not obvious under my work clothes. i want Mistress to call me the morning She wants me to wear them and tell me just that. i will then be expected to periodically throughout the day send Mistress pictures to prove to Her i am doing as She told me. i will also send Her text to let Her know how i feel and how turned on i am throughout the day.
Maybe i should stop now. The wine is starting to burn off and i might delete some of the stuff i just typed. i really want Mistress to read this stuff. Please Mistress. Know i love you. i hope i have not crossed any lines. You mean the world to me. Please know what You mean to me. i have never felt this way. i am so thankful You have shown me this side of me and how i can be this happy. i can not wait to move in with You and take care of You. You are worthy of all the love and affection that the world can give you. Thank You so much for choosing me.
Sorry to everyone else for the gushing. i can not help it when it comes to Mistress! She is the perfect Domme for me! Have i told You i love You? Because i do!!! :D
Friday, January 28, 2011
Rested
Wow. What a difference a good night's sleep makes!!! Even with my friend still bothering me i am super happy after my dream last night. It was so realistic i even woke up feeling a little sore. Unfortunatly, that feeling went away too fast.
In my dream, Mistress and i were down in a dungeon. i was in a beautiful (if i do say so myself) thong, pink lacy and really pretty. Mistress was in my favorite corset of Hers. She slowly took me over to a chair and had me sit down backwards in it. She tied my hands together with a scarf of what felt like silk. (i told you it felt realistic!) She started out slow and sensual with a flogger made out of something like suede. It was a HUGE turn on! After a few minutes She switched to something harder and hit me a little harder. She kept switching floggers and upping the force. Eventually She grabbed me by my hair and led me to the St. Andrews. She tied me quite tight, but i did not mind one bit! She got out the scariest flogger and paddle and slowly started going to town. Because She had taken Her time, the harder She hit me, the harder i wanted Her to hit me. When She finished we were both tired and happy. She carried/helped me up to bed where we cuddled and kissed and were just SO HAPPY!!!
i then,unfortunatly, woke up. i can NOT stop smiling. The happy feeling is just rushing through me. i can only imagine how i will feel when Mistress makes this dream a reality!
In my dream, Mistress and i were down in a dungeon. i was in a beautiful (if i do say so myself) thong, pink lacy and really pretty. Mistress was in my favorite corset of Hers. She slowly took me over to a chair and had me sit down backwards in it. She tied my hands together with a scarf of what felt like silk. (i told you it felt realistic!) She started out slow and sensual with a flogger made out of something like suede. It was a HUGE turn on! After a few minutes She switched to something harder and hit me a little harder. She kept switching floggers and upping the force. Eventually She grabbed me by my hair and led me to the St. Andrews. She tied me quite tight, but i did not mind one bit! She got out the scariest flogger and paddle and slowly started going to town. Because She had taken Her time, the harder She hit me, the harder i wanted Her to hit me. When She finished we were both tired and happy. She carried/helped me up to bed where we cuddled and kissed and were just SO HAPPY!!!
i then,unfortunatly, woke up. i can NOT stop smiling. The happy feeling is just rushing through me. i can only imagine how i will feel when Mistress makes this dream a reality!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Crying
So. One of my friends found out that Mistress is a T-Girl. Not definitively, and she does not know the term (i come from a very conservative Christian background, most of my friends right now are). She is trying to talk me into dropping Mistress. my friend does not even know about my lifestyle decision even! After my conversation with her, which i have to say i did lie to her, i am crying my eyes out. If i do not look like i have "dropped" Mistress to everyone she very well could tell all my other friends. i still live around many of them. To put it quite simply, my life will become a LIVING HELL!!! What do i do? i want to move out with Mistress but that is not fesible right now. i am so upset i can not even put into words what i am feeling. What to say? What to do? i am hurting so bad.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
How? Part 2
How does one feel owned when they live so far away from the object of their affection, their Mistress? i need that feeling. i need it so bad i feel quite sad tonight.
(On another note, who knew i could feel comfortable enough to write down my actual feelings? It is so healing to me. i am so glad Mistress suggested this.)
(On another note, who knew i could feel comfortable enough to write down my actual feelings? It is so healing to me. i am so glad Mistress suggested this.)
How?
i have been going through something the last week or so. Not sure what i should do. i feel so unfullfilled. i NEED to serve Mistress. Not being able to is just killing me. When She gave me a couple of writing tasks. i felt so happy while i was doing them and after i finished. But, i really need to take care of Her. The thought of being there welcoming Her home from class with dinner on the table and the whole house clean sound amazing, fantastic, wonderful, and happy.
How do i deal with the emotions of not being able to serve Mistress? i never thought i would become this way. i have always been the type of person who says, "i do not need anyone. i can take care of myself. i am woman. Hear me roar." Now? i am still a strong woman, but the thing i desire most is to serve the One i love with every fiber of my being.
i think i need to talk to Mistress about doing more tasks for Her. i hope She agrees that that would be a good option.
Who would have thought i would become this type of person? :) i am so happy now that Mistress has opened my eyes to what i have always been underneath all the "i do not need anyone" facade. i just can not get over how lucky i am to have found the One my heart has ached for. How did i become so mushy? Good thing Mistress does not mind! He-he :D
How do i deal with the emotions of not being able to serve Mistress? i never thought i would become this way. i have always been the type of person who says, "i do not need anyone. i can take care of myself. i am woman. Hear me roar." Now? i am still a strong woman, but the thing i desire most is to serve the One i love with every fiber of my being.
i think i need to talk to Mistress about doing more tasks for Her. i hope She agrees that that would be a good option.
Who would have thought i would become this type of person? :) i am so happy now that Mistress has opened my eyes to what i have always been underneath all the "i do not need anyone" facade. i just can not get over how lucky i am to have found the One my heart has ached for. How did i become so mushy? Good thing Mistress does not mind! He-he :D
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wishes
Yes. i know. If wishes were horses beggers would ride. Not talking about 'pie in the sky' wishes. Talking about wishes for the next time Mistress and i are together! :)
Where to start? Hmmm. How about the one thing i wanna try so bad it almost hurts? Wax play. Yes. i know how it feels on my skin. i have been playing with wax since i was a little girl (BDSM tendencies anyone?). i LOVE how it is so hot on my skin and then cools and hardens. And to mix that with making Mistress happy? HEAVEN!!! Maybe She can even make my back a canvas for a work of art! :)
i know Mistress wanted to try Electostimulation. i am seriously nervous about this one. Really not sure why though. i trust Mistress with my life. Why would this be any different? Maybe it is not. Huh. i think i just talked myself out of being nervous. Go me! :) But seriously, i really do want to try this. Mistress seems very keen on doing it to me, so it must be fun.
i do want to do more on the St. Andrews Cross too. Not really sure what happened last time, but i will be better. i think i had negative thoughts running through my head last time. Now they are (mostly) all good ones! :) i hope Mistress will be proud of me. That is my ultimate goal.
Mistress and i both want me to experience subspace. Not sure what will take me there, but i know i will enjoy the ride! (pun intended everyone)
Well. What do you think? Enough for one trip? Now Mistress and i just need to plan the next time i can go out and see Her. Hope it is not too far away. These wishes keep growing day by day. And it has not even been a week since i last saw Her. Oh dear. What will happen if it is too far away? Hmm. Might just have to move out there. :D
Where to start? Hmmm. How about the one thing i wanna try so bad it almost hurts? Wax play. Yes. i know how it feels on my skin. i have been playing with wax since i was a little girl (BDSM tendencies anyone?). i LOVE how it is so hot on my skin and then cools and hardens. And to mix that with making Mistress happy? HEAVEN!!! Maybe She can even make my back a canvas for a work of art! :)
i know Mistress wanted to try Electostimulation. i am seriously nervous about this one. Really not sure why though. i trust Mistress with my life. Why would this be any different? Maybe it is not. Huh. i think i just talked myself out of being nervous. Go me! :) But seriously, i really do want to try this. Mistress seems very keen on doing it to me, so it must be fun.
i do want to do more on the St. Andrews Cross too. Not really sure what happened last time, but i will be better. i think i had negative thoughts running through my head last time. Now they are (mostly) all good ones! :) i hope Mistress will be proud of me. That is my ultimate goal.
Mistress and i both want me to experience subspace. Not sure what will take me there, but i know i will enjoy the ride! (pun intended everyone)
Well. What do you think? Enough for one trip? Now Mistress and i just need to plan the next time i can go out and see Her. Hope it is not too far away. These wishes keep growing day by day. And it has not even been a week since i last saw Her. Oh dear. What will happen if it is too far away? Hmm. Might just have to move out there. :D
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