Horny

What does a submissive do when their Mistress has a headache and they are horny as all get out? i HATE doing anything without Mistress. :(

Friends

i know. It has been far too long since i have written. Will you take the excuse of i have been serving Mistress and had too good of a time to even think of writing? :)

Last night Mistress and i went over to a friend's house to have a Kinky BBQ. At first, with not knowing ANYBODY, i was extremely nervous and shy. i followed Mistress around like a sad little puppy dog. But, eventually i started talking to some amazing people. i got more and more comfortable around all of them and even in my own skin. By the end of the night, i had been tied up a little and made a few new friends.

Mistress and i now want to start having parties at our house. i can not wait until i can start planning one!!! i have missed throwing parties.

:D

Sorry i have not posted in a while. i have been blissfully happy with Mistress. i don't know what i did to deserve Her, but DAMN!!! it must have been good! She is giving me things i want and introducing me to things i did not know i wanted. Do i love everything we do in the playroom? Hell no. But, it is nice that She is helping me through everything.
Even our non-playroom stuff has been fantastic. She took me to Shenendoah yesterday. It was one of the most beautiful places i have ever seen (except for Ireland, of course!!!) We even found the spot that we would like to get married at, if the park will let us. i love that only a few people would be able to go. i like the idea of a small wedding. Mistress said that even if we can't we will go take pictures there. (And before anyone asks, no, we are not engaged. We both just know that soon we will be and we like to talk about it every once in a while. It is nice to know that i have found the One i will marry!)
The only bad thing that has happened? Well, Mistress was in Her "Damn it, I am a Domme and I want to dress like one" mood and had on Her beautiful black heels. She had to go upstairs, and on Her way down . . . Let's just say She scared me half to death. i was trying to not cry in front of Her. i did not want Her to see how scared i truely was. Thankfully, She only badly sprained Her ankle. It could have been SO MUCH worse. But, it has been a week now and She is still icing, stretching, being really carefull, and has to use cructches still. She has been able to walk on it though somewhat, which is HUGE! i am so proud of Her. She has been a tough cookie. i will admit though, it has been nice to wait on Her. It has been somewhat of a crash course for me in how to take care of Her like i should be. i hope to keep being a good girl for Mistress. (i love it when She tells me that!!!)

Ooops

i was feeling great, relaxed, frisky, and playful last night. i actually asked Mistress if we could play. Even though She made me wait WAY too long ;) we did eventually play a little last night.

She started off with a little fire play, which is something i have been curious to try for a while. Most of it felt great. Only a few times did it get a little too warm, but that was still great! :) Unfortunatly, She only did fire play for a few minutes.

Mistress then asked me if i was willing to give needle play a try. She knows needles freak me a out a little (ok, a lot, but who's counting?), which is why She was kind enough to ask. i could not say no to Her. She has talked about wanting to try it on me for quite a while now. i figured i would be ok.

The putting in of the needles was not horrible. A couple hurt decently, but not enough to make me say "Never again." Mistress, thankfully, only put in five needles. Once they were all in, She rubbed them, which now that i think about it i kinda liked that part. Mistress then proceeded to take them out. i was fine with the first one. The second did not hurt, but i whited out. (my world does not go all black, but is pretty and white, so i never say blacked out.) i had felt myself falling, but could barely talk to let Mistress know. The next thing i knew, Mistress was saying my name in a very scared voice. i knew i was weak, so i put my head on my knees and started to feel better. i asked Mistress what happened. She stated that i had become unresponsive and She had called my name a few times and even slapped my face a couple of times (not hard, but enough that i should have felt it, which i did not.) i knew Mistress was freaked out, even though She tried to hide it. i tried to appologize, but She would have none of it. She said if She had not pressured me into it, i never would have tried it.

Well, Mistress, sorry. You are wrong. :) If i know you want to do something bad enough, i will try it for you. Even if i "know" i will hate it. One never knows if they will hate something until they honestly try it out. i want to make you happy Mistress. Please remember, i am ok. i still think you are worried about me this morning. i love you Mistress. i always will. :D

Busy busy busy little bee

Sooooo sorry it has been so long. i have not forgotten about you guys. Everytime i thought about writing, more stuff came up. So. What has been going on in my  life? :D Well . . . . . . . . . .

i finally quit the job i was really starting to hate. Then, i packed up my whole life. Most got trashed. Packed up my little 1993 Sundance and i picked up Mistress from the airport. :D :D :D :D We then proceeded to try to drive home. Why did i say try? Well. We made it to Philly and then stopped for the night. Next morning, we had only driven a little ways when my poor little car started to overheat (you would too if you lived your whole life in the frigid Midwest and then was overworked in the hot sun of the beautiful East!!!). Because it was Sunday, nothing was open. We had to wait until the next day. Even though it was Memorial Day, a U-Haul was open. Mistress rented a truck and we hauled my car home. Home. HOME. HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oooops. i forgot one little thing. Ok. Not little. Actually huge, spectacular, colossal, extravegant, wonderful, fantastic . . . . . . :D After i picked up Mistress from the airport, we stopped for breakfast. i could tell She was about to burst from wanting to show/tell me something. We ordered our food and Mistress handed me a small box.  . . . . . . . In it was my FREAKIN BEAUTIFUL COLLAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so happy the moment She put it on me. i still can not get over the joy it brings just touching it and knowing i am loved and wanted.

So. We are happy and safe in OUR home. i have so much to do, but Mistress has kept me so busy :D And no, not just in the playroom. She has taken me to a battlefield where i was able to geek out on all the information. We have gone shopping (finally went to IKEA for the first time, LOVED IT!!!) and we have tons of plans coming up. Looking forward to going to my first wine tasting this weekend.

Promise to be better about keeping you guys updated. Now that stuff is actually happening and i am so happy, i don't think it will be hard :D Hope you guys are as happy as i am right now, we need more happiness in this world!!!

Excited!!!

In just a few short weeks i will be moving in with Mistress. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

To prepare, We are working on Our contract. It is so much fun to work on this together. We are talking and listening to each others reasons and coming to a compromise. It is wonderful to share this with the most wonderful Woman i have ever met!!! Thank you Mistress!

On top of that, We are looking for my collar. Mistress even thinks We have found it. i hope so! i really really really like it! :D

The only thing that is stressing me out is packing, selling, and packing my car. i know it will all work out but still . . .  AH!!!

i can not wait to make my first post from OUR HOUSE!!!

Mistress

Mistress makes me so happy. She tries to say She is the lucky one. Boy is She wrong. i am so lucky to have Her.
Yesterday She told me how happy She is with me. She stated that i am the girl She has always been looking for. Wow. i was floating on cloud nine for the rest of the night. In fact, i still am!!!
How to describe what Mistress means to me? Here is the quote i gave to Her yesterday:
 “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”
Mistress seemed happy. She said that She had never experienced that level of devotion. Hopefully, She will never have to worry about that ever again. i plan on being Hers forever. Can one burst from pure happiness? i think i might! :)

Search

i feel bad for Mistress. i have been off the past few days. She is worried i am second guessing about moving out with Her. That is so far from the truth! She is the reason i get up in the morning. She is my air. i love Her dearly.
my problem? i have been trying to figure that out myself. i think i have finally figured it out. For some reason i have been thinking of my father. Not my daddy. my father.
Not a pity-party. Just facts. Ok? :)
i have been in 14 different school. 11 from Kindergarten and fourth grade. No. i was not a military brat. my father could/would not hold down a job. During this time, my parents kept splitting and then getting back together. i moved from Michigan to North Carolina so many times.
The first time i remember begging my mom to leave him, i was 5. How sad to think even that did not work on my mother. What else could i have done? i know it is not my fault, but sometimes i feel like it is.
Why beg her to leave him? He was, still is, and probably always will be very abusive. Physically, emotionally, sexually. Even knowing most of that, she still won't leave. i have not lived with him since i was 14. i am still dealing with all the pain inside. i don't think he sexually abuses my brothers, at least i hope not. That would kill me.
i want to be there to protect them, and i know i can't. i need to protect myself now. How do i do that? How do i let myself be happy? It is not fair that i am so happy with Mistress when i know that my brothers have no chance. The oldest of them is 22. He has not graduated high school, has no job, and still lives with our parents. Why me? Why can he not be happy? Life just does not seem fair.
How does one find the ability to allow themselves to be happy? i hope Mistress can help me get there. That is the only thing i truly want. To be happy with Mistress. Forever.

Happy?

Yes. i am happy. So why the question mark? Because i am still so far away and Mistress is struggling with stuff at home. Our home. Wow. That feels good.
Anyways, i am struggling with being 800-some miles away. But, Mistress likes to remind me how many days are left everyday. It is so cute!!! i feel loved and wanted everytime She does that. She REALLY wants me! So, yes. i am SUPER DUPER happy. :D Everything else is actually working themselves out. Just waiting right now for a call from Mistress to hear how the next thing has worked out. i am sure it will be fine. Right?

Love

i am flying high on love! my Mistress is SO wonderful. She has gone out of Her way to encourage me the past couple of days. She knows what to say, how to say it, and when to say it.
i took the advice to talk to Mistress about some of my fears. i am so glad i did! Mistress put most of my fears to rest. The few that are left i think are good to hang on to. They will make sure that i do not become complacent in my submission. i will be on my toes.
Now that She has put me at ease, She is proceding to make me feel like the most loved submissive in the whole world. As we talk i just sit here wondering how i got so lucky. Mistress is the best!
She even texted me yesterday asking if i had family in Ireland. She knows how badly i want to go back. (i visited back in high school) She even looked up the cost of flights! That She would take Her time to look into something i want so badly is just the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Sorry for all the gushing, but i did warn you! i love You Mistress with all my heart. You need never worry about losing me. You are stuck with me forever! ;)

Mistress's Birthday!!!

Today is Mistress's birthday. What do i wish most? (i know, it's not my birthday, but i can still wish can't i?) That i was there to make it a happy birthday. Well. We have next year. And we have my brithday in July! :D
Hope Mistress knows what She is getting into. i love to celebrate and have fun on holidays, special days, birthdays, you name it! i don't think Mistress gets how bad i can be. He-he. She will soon!

Dealing

How does one deal with frustrations when they know nothing can be done about it? Is it even something to be frustrated about?
i still have not been able to talk to Mistress either. Situation comes up, Mistress gets sick. Ok. One more frustration to add to the list. Not being there to take care of Her. All day long my heart hurt knowing She did not feel good and i could do nothing to ease Her pain.
Some people (ok, Mistress) say that i need to tell Her everything. i wonder, if i know there is nothing She can do, and She is so far away, and She is not doing well Herself, why would i put more on Her? i am used to being the one people come to to talk to and share their problems with. i have always been the strong one. i was even my mother's confidant. It is hard to share everything.
i need to just tell myself this part of my life is soon ending. Soon, i will be able to share all of the fun things Mistress and i will do together. i know i will still write about some of the hard things, but i am so looking forward to all that we will do together. Something happy to go to sleep to. Good night!!!

Alone

How does a submissive deal with not being able to help their Domme? Anyone know? i never knew i could feel so alone and helpless. Mistress is struggling and i can not do anything, i am too far away. Not sure what i could do even if i was there. i feel like i am on an island. How can one person hurt so bad? i feel so incomplete. Is it May yet?

Me

This post is going to tell you a little bit more about me. i am pretty easy to get to know, but to truly understand me you need to take your time. i am sure most people are like that, but i do tend to hide alot. Mistress is the first person i have been able to open up to without any questions or fear. i am, now, first and foremost Mistress's submissive. Obviously, right now it is a LDR. Soon we will be living together and i am SO EXCITED!!! i have realized that the biggest part of my submission is domestic. i want to cook, clean, and serve Mistress.i want to decorate the house for different holidays like Christmas and for birthdays. i want to celebrate life with Mistress and grow and love. i know i will not always want to serve happily, but i will push through on those days. i can not wait to learn more about all the things Mistress wants to teach me in the Dungeon too. We have only been able to play a little. But, the more i think about it and learn and explore, the more i want to be a good girl for Her.
Secondly, i am a total nerd. That is a broad statement, i know. i love history (Tudors, WWII, Renassaince, Civil War, biographies, Ancient Ireland, royalty, etc.), movies (Pride and Predjudice, Star Wars, Letters to Juliet, Repo: the Genetic Opera, Speed Racer, Star Trek, Dirty Dancing, Anne of Green Gables, Where the Heart Is, any and all comic book movies, etc.), books (Gone With the Wind, Persuasion, anything by Dean Koontz, etc.) i love to watch sports like college basketball (UNC Tarhells!!!), baseball (Detroit Tigers and Milwaukee Brewers), hockey (only in person, not on TV), soccer (just enjoy watching), and many others too. Wow. i think i am more of a nerd than even i thought! He-he.
i have gone through alot. When Mistress first mentioned BDSM i freaked out inside. i come from a very abussive (emotionally, physically, sexually) household. My father was never drunk when he did these things. i think had he been i might be able to try to forgive him. i could tell myself it was the alcohol that made him do it. But no, he did it of his own free will. i have come so far since i moved out when i was 14. i still have far to go though. Mistress said something once that made me happier than i had ever felt before. She asked me to tell Her some specific things that he did to me. i was in a very safe place emotionally so i was fine. After i finished i asked Her where that came from. She said in Her beautiful voice, "I never want you to think of him and I in the same thought, so i need to know things to stay away from." No one has ever thought to ask me that. Thank you so much Mistress for loving me so much to think of that.
i love to learn more and more. i have been learning so much that i am starting to burst at the knowledge. i am starting in the planning process to write a book about BDSM and gearing it towards Vanilla folk. Mistress suggested the title Vanilla Kink. i really like it! :) After i finish this book, i would love to write a book on Lady Jane Grey. My intrests are so wide, but i love it. Hope you guys don't mind :D
Well, that is basically me in a nutshell. Hope you did not mind getting to know the real me a little bit more.

Feelings

So, tonight (ok, all day today) i have felt SO submissive. Why? No clue. And do you know what sucks? Mistress lives half a country away and i have NO outlet for all this pent-up energy. Could i help out some of my friends here? Sure. Do i think that would work in the slightest? HELL NO!!!
i feel more domestic submissive right now. i want to jump up and get Mistress's asprin and a water (She had a headache today, i felt so helpless!!!). i want to make Mistress lunch. i want to sit and watch Her play COD. (Yes She plays and yes i enjoy watching)
i just have to tell myself soon. Only a couple more months and i can serve Mistress to my hearts content-Her's too!!! :D

Better

First, let me just say thank you for the sweet comments on my last post. i was really struggling. Mistress has been very kind the last day or two and so encouraging. It has really helped me get through this.
 Right now for Mistress and me it is just a waiting game. We have our sights set on a goal. We are working on it with all Our hearts, minds, and souls. Even though We have to wait just a little bit, i know the end is here and happiness will reign.
Don't worry. i am not thinking pie in the sky. i know life is not perfect. But, Mistress and i know what We want and it will make Us much happier than We have been in the past. SO excited!!!

Why?

Why can  i not be everything to everyone? Why can i not be the best submissive and the best friend? Why is life always so hard? Why can i not have everything i love?

Excited!!!

It is looking more and more like i will be out with Mistress MUCH sooner than either one of us expected!!! i am so excited, yet i am super nervous. As any submissive will tell you i am sure, all i want is to please Mistress. i love Her more than i can express. She has brought into my life love, light, pleasure, happiness, contentment, and stability. i know that last one is hard to understand since we are so far apart. But, it is true. i have never felt so safe.
i trust Her. i don't even think i trust my best friend as much. Mistress was the first person i told about all the things my father did to me. She has helped me start to grow into the person i want to be.
Now i really need to get serious. i have been, but now it is becoming more real. i think i am most nervous about disappointing Mistress. But i know with Her there to guide me i can do almost anything!

Is it time to move yet? ;)

Funny :D

Ever had a dream that is just feels SO REAL? i did last night. Unfortunatly, the only thing i remember from it was i was with Mistress and we were playing. i woke up and felt like it truely happened. Then, i go to take my shower and happened to notice a nice bruise on my thigh. Looked just like the bruises i get from Mistress. Made me really happy. Now having a really happy day. Maybe i will have another happy weekend.
Tonight i get to hang with a friend i have not seen in a year. Will definatly be a late night talking and gossiping :D Tomorrow i get to hang out with one of my Geeky friends and we will geek out on some movies :D Then, Sunday i have a 'date' with a friend to watch Despicable Me and have dinner. (i totally love the littlest girl, makes me laugh everytime) As you can see, does not take much to make me happy :D
Hope all you have a happy weekend too!

Cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am sitting on my couch in my living room bundled up in my warm fleece pj pants and the warmest sweater ever (Mistress gave it to me, so the knowledge that She used to wear it might be part of why it feels so warm to me). i am also wearing my heating boots (not sure what they are really called. i just call them my boots. They are really fleece sock-like things with microwavable heating pads to keep them warm. (BEST PRESENT EVER!!!). Even with all this i am still cold. Why do you ask? i will tell you. The wind is blowing, the snow is flying, and the ice is crashing. The noise right outside the window is so loud i need the tv volume up more than usual. Remind me why i live in this state?! i hate being cold. The perfect spot to me is where i can be as naked as possible (i know in public it is sometimes frowned upon!) and just be warm. That is no way, no how the description of here and now. :(
Tonight would be the perfect night to go into a warm dungeon and have fun with Mistress. i am wanting to be put in my place by my loving and wonderful Mistress. Why on earth do i live so far away from Her?! i have so many ideas of the fun we could have. And i know She does too!!! He-he!
i have a few ideas for a fictional account of a dungeon scene. Once i finalize my ideas i will share the story with you all :) If it takes me too long, remind me! But no worries, i am excited to share with you, so i am sure it should not take long. :)

Pain

How does one deal with emotional pain? How does one get past a hurt from people who are not supposed to hurt you? It is amazing, but being a sub now is actually helping me. Mistress is being very kind and understanding and gentle. Knowing She is there for me and wants to do all She can is comforting. We can work through this, Together.
my dear reader, what do you do when you are hurting inside and can not show it for one reason or another? i try to do things, but my mind still seems to wander back to why i am hurting in the first place.
Don't worry. i will be fine. Difficult time. But i will get past it.

OMG!!!

i miss Mistress SO MUCH!!! i have been reading up and researching for my book. all that research into BDSM has made me a little, shall we say, horny! i decided to go and have a bath tonight. With wine, a toy, and my computer. i will let you, my dear reader, fill in the blanks. ;) Let me just say, i am going to bed happy. Not as happy as if Mistress were here, but still. :D
i am starting to realize i want to experiment with so many things. i know i am typing this because my inhibitions are a little down. i hope that Mistress reads this and holds me to it. i really do want a lot of things that i would never ask for or tell Her.
i am curious about having a girl play with me. i don't necessarily think of myself as bisexual or lesbian, just very, very, VERY curious. Not sure how far i would want to go with her, but would definatly want Mistress there. The one thing i know i want to do is make out with another girl. i REALLY hope You approve Mistress.
i want Mistress to get me very horny throughout the day, give me a glass or two of wine (She knows the significance of that!), and then take me to the dungeon. i want her to have fun with me. i want Her to tape it. Wow. i can not believe i just said that.
i want Her to Dominate me. i mean i want to be conquered by Her. i want Her to show me who is truely the Boss.
i want Mistress to pick out a pair of nipple clamps that are not obvious under my work clothes. i want Mistress to call me the morning She wants me to wear them and tell me just that. i will then be expected to periodically throughout the day send Mistress pictures to prove to Her i am doing as She told me. i will also send Her text to let Her know how i feel and how turned on i am throughout the day.
Maybe i should stop now. The wine is starting to burn off and i might delete some of the stuff i just typed. i really want Mistress to read this stuff. Please Mistress. Know i love you. i hope i have not crossed any lines. You mean the world to me. Please know what You mean to me. i have never felt this way. i am so thankful You have shown me this side of me and how i can be this happy. i can not wait to move in with You and take care of You. You are worthy of all the love and affection that the world can give you. Thank You so much for choosing me.
Sorry to everyone else for the gushing. i can not help it when it comes to Mistress! She is the perfect Domme for me! Have i told You i love You? Because i do!!! :D

Rested

Wow. What a difference a good night's sleep makes!!! Even with my friend still bothering me i am super happy after my dream last night. It was so realistic i even woke up feeling a little sore. Unfortunatly, that feeling went away too fast.
In my dream, Mistress and i were down in a dungeon. i was in a beautiful (if i do say so myself) thong, pink lacy and really pretty. Mistress was in my favorite corset of Hers. She slowly took me over to a chair and had me sit down backwards in it. She tied my hands together with a scarf of what felt like silk. (i told you it felt realistic!) She started out slow and sensual with a flogger made out of something like suede. It was a HUGE turn on! After a few minutes She switched to something harder and hit me a little harder. She kept switching floggers and upping the force. Eventually She grabbed me by my hair and led me to the St. Andrews. She tied me quite tight, but i did not mind one bit! She got out the scariest flogger and paddle and slowly started going to town. Because She had taken Her time, the harder She hit me, the harder i wanted Her to hit me. When She finished we were both tired and happy. She carried/helped me up to bed where we cuddled and kissed and were just SO HAPPY!!!
i then,unfortunatly, woke up. i can NOT stop smiling. The happy feeling is just rushing through me. i can only imagine how i will feel when Mistress makes this dream a reality!

Crying

So. One of my friends found out that Mistress is a T-Girl. Not definitively, and she does not know the term (i come from a very conservative Christian background, most of my friends right now are). She is trying to talk me into dropping Mistress. my friend does not even know about my lifestyle decision even! After my conversation with her, which i have to say i did lie to her, i am crying my eyes out. If i do not look like i have "dropped" Mistress to everyone she very well could tell all my other friends. i still live around many of them. To put it quite simply, my life will become a LIVING HELL!!! What do i do? i want to move out with Mistress but that is not fesible right now. i am so upset i can not even put into words what i am feeling. What to say? What to do? i am hurting so bad.

How? Part 2

How does one feel owned when they live so far away from the object of their affection, their Mistress? i need that feeling. i need it so bad i feel quite sad tonight.

(On another note, who knew i could feel comfortable enough to write down my actual feelings? It is so healing to me. i am so glad Mistress suggested this.)

How?

i have been going through something the last week or so. Not sure what i should do. i feel so unfullfilled. i NEED to serve Mistress. Not being able to is just killing me. When She gave me a couple of writing tasks. i felt so happy while i was doing them and after i finished. But, i really need to take care of Her. The thought of being there welcoming Her home from class with dinner on the table and the whole house clean sound amazing, fantastic, wonderful, and happy.
How do i deal with the emotions of not being able to serve Mistress? i never thought i would become this way. i have always been the type of person who says, "i do not need anyone. i can take care of myself. i am woman. Hear me roar." Now? i am still a strong woman, but the thing i desire most is to serve the One i love with every fiber of my being.
i think i need to talk to Mistress about doing more tasks for Her. i hope She agrees that that would be a good option.
Who would have thought i would become this type of person? :) i am so happy now that Mistress has opened my eyes to what i have always been underneath all the "i do not need anyone" facade. i just can not get over how lucky i am to have found the One my heart has ached for. How did i become so mushy? Good thing Mistress does not mind! He-he :D

Wishes

Yes. i know. If wishes were horses beggers would ride. Not talking about 'pie in the sky' wishes. Talking about wishes for the next time Mistress and i are together! :)
Where to start? Hmmm. How about the one thing i wanna try so bad it almost hurts? Wax play. Yes. i know how it feels on my skin. i have been playing with wax since i was a little girl (BDSM tendencies anyone?). i LOVE how it is so hot on my skin and then cools and hardens. And to mix that with making Mistress happy? HEAVEN!!! Maybe She can even make my back a canvas for a work of art! :)
i know Mistress wanted to try Electostimulation. i am seriously nervous about this one. Really not sure why though. i trust Mistress with my life. Why would this be any different? Maybe it is not. Huh. i think i just talked myself out of being nervous. Go me! :) But seriously, i really do want to try this. Mistress seems very keen on doing it to me, so it must be fun.
i do want to do more on the St. Andrews Cross too. Not really sure what happened last time, but i will be better. i think i had negative thoughts running through my head last time. Now they are (mostly) all good ones! :) i hope Mistress will be proud of me. That is my ultimate goal.
Mistress and i both want me to experience subspace. Not sure what will take me there, but i know i will enjoy the ride! (pun intended everyone)
Well. What do you think? Enough for one trip? Now Mistress and i just need to plan the next time i can go out and see Her. Hope it is not too far away. These wishes keep growing day by day. And it has not even been a week since i last saw Her. Oh dear. What will happen if it is too far away? Hmm. Might just have to move out there. :D

Happiness

Today i was trying to get in touch with my submissive side. Was having a hard time time for some weird reason. i asked Mistress to give me a task. She generously agreed to. It was simple. Look up and send to Her the origins of BDSM. FUN!!!
Did you know that the first recorded consentual flogging happened in the 9th century BC in a temple to Artemis in Sparta? (i find that funny because she was a virgin goddess!) i actually learned a lot! Now i kinda wanna keep studying and maybe write something. How cool would that be?!
Something as simple as following through on something (even though i asked for it) has positiviely MADE MY DAY!!!
To add to that, Mistress informed me that She protected me from someone today (long story). Knowing She loves me that much just makes me feel like i am walking on a cloud. i think today has proven to me that i am EXACTLY where i need to be. Mistress is helping me be the person i have always needed to be. Thank You Ma'am! i love You!!!
If you can experience this kind of happiness, then i am happy for you!

Frustrated

How many of my friends and family know about me being in this lifestyle? One. 1. Count them . . .  Uno. And even she does not know the extent i am in it. i am toying with the fact that i want to tell her more. Why you ask? i have friends on fetlife who support me. Why does she need to know too? She is my best friend. She loves me no matter what. It is one of the most frustrating things not being able to tell her about it.
i still have not totally decided what i am going to tell her. i know she will love me anyways. i just do not want to worry her. She does not understand Mistress like i do. She does not know that i now crave Mistress to show me my place. How do you explain to people out in the vanilla world the desires and fulfillment of those desires?
i know i can explain the service part of my submissivness. That is the easy part. The joy i have knowing i have made Mistress's life easier just by getting her a glass of water, fixing supper, cleaning the house. i have never felt more at home and at peace than when i am serving Mistress. That is one of many reasons why i know this relationship can work. We seem to complete each other. Mistress is so kind and loving to me i just wanna burst from happiness each time she looks at me. The gratefullness in her speech after i have been a good little girl is intoxicating.
Mistress's is the only opinion that matters anymore. It is weird to realize that. So, why you ask, do other's opinions hurt? Remember "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? Total vicious lies we tell our children. i know. Hurtful words hurt. But, i choose to listen to Mistress. She is my world now. i love Her. If She says i will be fine, i know i can be . . . with Her help.
Maybe i am not frustrated anymore :)

Desires

How does one take care of desires when one's Mistress is so far away?
 i desire to be taken into a dungeon by Mistress and shown my place. This is the first time i have ever felt this way. Not sure where it is coming from. It is like a feeling of need and not want. It is not some random feeling either. i want it to come from Mistress.
i desire to be with Mistress taking care of Her. It hurts so bad to not be there with Her. i need Her.
i hope both these desires can be fullfilled soon.

WOW!!!

So. i just got back from a wonderful week with Mistress. i have learned that i NEED to go 24/7 with Her. To serve Her is the air i breathe, the water i drink. i have never felt so complete as when i got to do things for Her. it was just amazing!!!
We went shopping, to a few museums, and just hung out. Totally what i needed. It seemed to be what She needed too. Coming home was so hard. i hardly slept last night because She was not there to hold. i am hoping i do not have to wait too long to move out with Mistress and serve Her everyday. :)
Did we get to do many scenes? No. i think it is because the one we did do, i freaked out too much. i am so sorry Mistress. i am still trying to figure out what happened to me. i hope You can help me figure out what happened and we can fix it. i love You Maam!!! Thank You for an amazing week!!!

Trying

i am so excited! i am going out to see Mistress in less than 48 hours. One problem. i am so nervous. i do not want to embaress Her in front of Her friends. i am going to try my hardest. She says She will help me. i believe Her. i just hope i do not need Her help. This is my first time to actually put my learning into action. i am very excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. Who knew you could feel so many emotions at the same time?!
i will update what happens this coming week. Hopefully it will be ALL good!!! :)

Discovery

i have discovered something about myself. Let me start this by stating that i suffer with recurrent depression. i have suffered with this since around junior high. So long enough to know some of my triggers.
Now on to my discovery. Last night i was a little down, which should have clued me in but i was tired. When Mistress called, i simply answered with "Hey!" mostly because i was already down. Mistress, thankfully, only corected me to say say at least "Hey Maam." Just the simple act of correcting me sent me deep down into depression. This morning i am fighting it with all i have. i hope to beat it before i speak to Mistress later.
i now know that i need to avoid correction and be the best sub/slave i can be. Not only to make Mistress happy and serve Her, but also to keep my sanity.
i am a submission through and through. If i fail, i feel it internally more than most people. i want to serve Mistress with all i have and all i am. i love Her with my whole soul. i am Hers. i will make Her proud. That is my New Year's Resolution. It is for both of us.